Journal entry: a fight for positivity

I woke up this morning from a nightmare to Shyre screaming from the pain of teething and troy exclaiming “I can’t do this” from the living room. I called Troy three times before he came into the room—it was likely he could not hear me over the crying. He placed Shyre down on the bed next to my breast that I had at the ready the moment I woke to his cries. I know when my baby is tired or hungry or teething, and he was all three. I asked troy if he was alright and he replied promptly by pursing his lips and shaking his head no.

“what’s wrong?” I asked, not sure what to think, “did something happen?” Troy went on to explain that we have $0.04 in the bank. We have four cents. Shyre was in so much pain, he was crying and screaming, scratching, kicking, latching and unlatching, just like he had been doing all night long. I have had four hours of nightmare painted, panicky, impossibly un-restful sleep, so I began to have a panic attack. My vision went black before I felt the anxiety, so I calmly closed my eyes and explained what was about to happen. I am not sure how long it lasted but when I could open my eyes Troy was lying next to me and Shyre was asleep. Troy asked if it was okay for him to take a nap, but there was no need for him to ask, we both knew he needed it after working long hours at his new job last night.

This is not a happy post, but it is not meant to be sad either, this is a real post. I do not expect anyone to read it or care—I really don’t. I want to write because right now it is the only way I can keep my thoughts from overcrowding my mind. I promised myself that my next big cry will be a happy cry. I do not intend to break that promise. I imagine by Friday we will be out of clean water, the money from the garage sale just paid the car bill, the money that was given to us will not be in our bank account until Saturday and we have another large bill on Friday. I am not complaining, I am not a fool, my problems are my problems and no one else’s, the reason I am writing this goes deeper than for me to vent. Honestly, I know the promises of this life and I try with everything I have got to be unafraid. But quite often this whole post trauma thing clouds my spirit and the anxiety takes me over. I pray all day long on lost days.

The fear I try to forsake is like a dark smoke pushing me to the ground, it is all around me. Wouldn’t you know? I am becoming more tired just writing about it. It wears me out; my vision of whose plan to follow is hazy and double, now the straight path is forked and I force upon myself, an inspired guilt that I should take control of my own life and no longer let it be to the One the has been before me. When this happens all I do is waste time.

Not too long ago Shyre and Troy woke up. Troy is feeling a better but it has still been a fight for positivity. We just gave away most of our things and where there was once entertainment, there is now void within which we become bored. Though, we love not owning so many things, the attachment lingers. We have found that big changes happening now and even bigger ones in the near future have made us fall into a depression. After taking care of a few things, we laid in bed most of the day and I sang old songs while nursing Shyre and tracing Troy’s face along his stubble. Even when we are sad we always find ways to say I love you with all my heart. Our son laughs and the world seems brighter, but laughter from our lips seems like something careless that we should be ashamed of. We are fighting what our parents have told us that have instilled doubt in our minds; the things they worried about have become deep fears. We have been called to be somewhere else and our impatience for this life is disguising itself as hopelessness. We feel in chaos most when we are trying to take the control for ourselves. These words came to me during prayer—Just Surrender.

Above all life is short and these burdens we carry are not really ours to bear. We take on burdens for fleeting reasons and forget to unload after we have grown from them, they can leave scars on our spirit. On days like today we need rest and we find rest in prayer and meditation, in connection with each other, and in trusting our creator. Our days are blessed in different ways, and some of our blessings stay the same, like the ones who truly love us, our calling in this life, and the simple beauty our tired minds can find in something; anything. 

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