I have grown in the most incredible ways in less time than a week. We have been called to change everything we know. My marriage is wonderful, loving and centered around our faith; my relationship with my son is sweeter than ever, and my relationship with my God is beautifully unbreakable.
I have watched my husband find happiness; true happiness. I watch him belong closer to our son, and I have watched the two of us belong closer to each other. The bond between each individual in my small family has become unlike any other. Our love and our life was good before but now as we walk forward in full confidence in God’s plan for us, it feels like the earth is blooming around us; That when down in the dirt, our humble little family is making life happen.
We face homelessness in a matter of two months and the judgment and shame of others is scarier than the fact that we will be living in our car. We are purging and selling every single one of our belongings, excluding the bare essentials. No, we will not even own a bed. I started an Esty page (BlessedIsApparel )to sell handmade clothing and vintage items. Troy sold his music gear. This week we will start filming vlogs for YouTube, we could not be more excited to share our journey—even if no one watches, capturing this time in our life where we feel an overwhelming sense of peace and positivity in the eye of the storm will be something worth showing to our son when he is old enough to understand; and to show others who want to understand. We were broke but beautiful people came to our aid and showed us love and support. True family are the ones who do what they can to help support you in your time of need—money aside, love and faith is all you need. It is sad that people, who say they love you, would rather shame you and protect their lifestyle than to protect your life and well-being. Is valuing things and money over life not the original reason for flipping tables?
The way I feel now is the way I wish I could have felt a long time ago, when materially, things were better; but this feeling comes from the rejection of the known world and its material fixation. I recently realized financial instability is not a reason to be worried for your life. And this is a huge realization for me to come to. Do not waste your time being anxious or stressed about things that are out of your control— let us be honest, nothing is really ever in our control.
My dad was fired from his job at the Dallas morning news, due to his own ignorance, when I was six. My family became financially dependent on the bank and both my parents constantly oppressed us under the threat that we might be kicked out of our home onto the streets at any moment. I think back to this and wonder if my PTSD started before or because of these financial woes. My father went back to college, so my mother began working at our church for a mothers-day-out program two days a week. My mother was soon promoted to director of the grade school program. She took this job in order to continue homeschooling us but she became obsessed with work; her job took over her life. While my mom was working everything and anything was more important to her than taking care of her children and college caused my dad to be so “stressed” that for three whole years he avoided us. The only times our dad spoke to us were to punish us, tell us a joke he learned or to yell at us to shut up when we were playing in the house. My mother brought us to work with her so we could continue our schooling away from “the secular world of public school.” But at home she kept herself busy at her computer designing logos, charts, and many other unnecessary distractions. My mother—hand on the bible—never stopped working. Our education, especially mine, was ignored. For years our diets consisted partly of sandwiches with molding bread and the other part was frozen pizza, pancakes and chicken nuggets and we witnessed our mother starving herself day after day just so she did not have to stop working. Our mother left us at home and worked all day, all week; except for Sunday when she forced us to go to the same church for Sunday school, where she also volunteered as a teacher. Any time we tried to bring up a life path we would like to take—sports, education, hobbies, healthier diet, etc.—it was shot down straight away and we were lectured about the fact that our parents could not afford to take care of us. Living for so long, as a young child, terrified about losing everything, feeling the neglect of my parents every day, I never thought I would see a day in which financial worries would not haunt me. I am so thankful that when mine and Troy’s lives took a turn that I was not triggered, and in the place of fear and doubt were faith, hope and strength.
“Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving; present your requests to God.”
Fear of the unknown is the biggest impediment we face—no longer in our own minds but in the minds of others. It is not out of anger that I speak of others in this way, it is because there is no truth in selfish ideals and that an “I told you so” mentality is deadly. The force of doubt among the minds and hearts of the people around us slows us down and brings the most pain out of this entire struggle. The people who have helped and loved on us during this time never had to ask questions or cast judgment; they did so without a second thought.
After Troy took a resignation over fighting to stay at his job, we were terrified, and people showed ugly hearts and ill will towards us. Without the full support of our loved ones we were not sure what to do but we knew that we had to immediately begin making changes to our lifestyle. That very night, before we canceled our Netflix subscription I told Troy that we needed to watch this documentary called Minimalism. Afterwards, with complete calmness and sincerity, Troy and I both agreed that everything must go and that we must move on from here. In a spiritual and material sense we have freedom now. We know that our home is within the connections and relationships we have with others and not in a house or in our possessions. Leaving this apartment in two months and being homeless is not a be-all end-all, it is the beginning of something new and we are no longer knocking on the doors that have been closed.
“Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity, than a rich man who is crooked in his ways”
Most people akin to me by marriage do not believe or care that I have post traumatic stress disorder, so they do not understand the importance for me to leave this state, so that I can truly begin to heal and so that our whole family can flourish where we are being called.
Three days ago my husband and I were so depressed that we could not speak but to say “I love you.” And stop to look at each other for a moment. Since then, many prayers have taken place and answers came quite immediately. Life is not about money, things or having a building to call home. We have peace that this difficult chapter in our lives is closing and making way for us to be better people.
I want to personally thank those who have encouraged, supported, loved and cared for us these past few days. You have helped in ways I pray most will never understand. We are eternally grateful. We will not forget a single kindness.