Last night was my first night out since I lost my memory. I danced all night with the love of my life, changed my perspective on my body and who I am inside, and made memories I hope I will never lose.
I constantly doubt myself. I am the queen of deleting personal posts and tweets because I fear people will think I am being insincere. I fear being called a liar, day after day is spent having to remind myself: you are not a liar, you are not. The abuse I have survived has made me believe that anyone at any moment could take my body for themselves and my soul will suffer inside, alone. A comment, a grab, a touch, a look could send me back to a place of isolated misery. Once the most intimate and lovely parts of your imagination have been stolen by carnal reality, your mind’s creativity begins to work against you at all times. My head comes up with a thousand probable notions that people assume about who I am; it possesses me and I stay trapped in the back of my mind watching them go about life having no idea the power that a simple unkindness has over me.
It is nights like last night that all the power is given back to me. It was loud, I cannot stand loud. Bodies were touching my body, the feeling of a strangers skin stings. But last night it was different, everyone was electric, the music had me in a trance, I was loving life and happy to be exactly where I was. With each movement of my hips and feet there was no second guessing. The music was coursing through the room and booming at the feet of the concert goers, moving us together as one. Under the flashing stage lights, unhindered by the thought of others, I danced noticed or unnoticed to a beat that everyone felt and did not care if others were judging me. I saw the way each individual moved carelessly and compared it to how I usually move so carefully. All these swaying bodies, separate energies and entities and the stories within them, they all came from a place of light and love and now somehow they ended up there with me. I broke through to a part of myself I barely knew before, a part of myself I thought I would never know again, the part of myself that wondered and worried fleetingly only about how long the strength of my legs would carry me for. My body created those unstoppable motions—like waves separating the mind, soul and body—caused by the tempo of the loud music and the life of the beautiful humans surrounding me. All night, as short as it was, I was free. Twisting, jumping and singing at the top of my lungs; in each of these moments I was perfectly imperfect and I loved every single inch of who I was. Though I had thoughts to stop and reconsider if I had the right to be happy, I was not intimidated by them and I did not back down.
I want this feeling to last, I want to love myself unconditionally and because of last night, I know that I can have just this. Building my self-esteem might be a journey but it is one that I will not give up on and one day looking back I might have regrets that I did not see it sooner, but healing these wounds is going to be the most wonderful misadventure my world has ever known. The first thing I have to learn is that I am not alone, and I never will be. I am going to have to remind myself to consider what is practical for me, and know that the same does not go for any other individual. Whether it is the clothes I’m in, my hair, makeup, who I am with (or not with), what I believe, where I go, my career, hobbies, passions, etcetera; In any case I have to find out the best things for me, and know that none of these things define me. I am going to start a dance-for-joy movement in my home and family in which we will dance during days we are not quite ourselves. My husband has also made a promise to start taking me out dancing because just by last night I feel these open wounds in my soul healing.
You are free right now, just as you are, but only if you want to be. Look how you can lift your eyes and trace the outline of your body with your fingers. There are no chains that bind you. You move without impediment and you are able to break down any walls that you have built. No one has control over you, if they say or act as if they do, they are wrong. You are free.