Let it go

After a few winks of sleep I found myself being startled awake to the clatter of my son’s cries. There I was, messy bed head, still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, tasting my forgetfulness—or should I say neglectfulness—in the form of unclean teeth from the night before, realizing within myself, that I was mad about the fact that I was awake. All I asked for was sleep, I asked 5 nights ago, and I still never got it. I sat up in bed, got up, and left the room promptly so I could tend to my crying child. My husband met me in the hallway; he has been en route to deliver to me a fussy baby. By the time I sat on the couch to feed Shyre, my patience was gone. Shyre was pinching little bits of my skin and unlatching and kicking. I told Troy that I had had enough of holding our son; I just wanted my own body to myself for a while. Troy understood and took our son on a walk around the house to give him a change of scenery and hopefully a reason to be content. No matter what Troy did for Shyre, he just wanted me, His mother. I couldn’t help but to get emotional. When Troy handed Shyre back to me all I could do was stare at him in awe. “I have the very best son in the whole universe.” All mothers must think this but it is all so true. I began thanking God for my son. Not in my entire life did I ever believe that I would have been given a gift of such great magnitude, a gift that sends my heart leaping—a joyous free-for-all into a deep gratefulness that lifts my spirits. The magic little curiosities that life presents are my favorite part about each new day.

Shyre and Rey

Troy noticed that I was oohing and awing over our son and he asked what I was thinking; I answered, “It’s impossible to be angry when he is around. I’m so in love.”

Troy looked at me and smiled and explained

“It may seem that we’re always the ones getting a bit fed up; balancing the baby and the rest of life—that we often feel guilty about having to put him down for a minute to do something for ourselves or just to not have to be touched for one second—but one day you realize that he is going to be the one feeling guilty about how things are going with you, and if he’s spending enough time with you, and he’ll be worrying about how he’s going to repay you for all that you’ve done for him and the things you will always continue to do for him. That’s the love I feel for my mom because she loved me first and I know that’s how things are with Shyre. You don’t ever have to doubt his love for you or who you are as his mom.”

All the things I worry about seem so small because no matter what I will always hold my son so dear to me. Nothing and no one can take the heart I have for him or the heart he has for me.

As a new parent I’m learning consistently to deal with brand new emotions and experiences and it can get scary, especially being so young and my family and I just getting our start in the world. The best thing for me to do is pray daily that I can stay positive each moment I’m with my child. I use patience, gentleness and show unconditional love always. Being able to teach my son peace through those times when he feels frustrated or like he’s had enough is important so that he can stay calm and look to where he knows he is loved, whether it is god, or his family or friends when he finds himself in trying times. In time, I feel I will stop stressing about little things, learn to love my imperfect self, and to give things up when there’s nothing to be done about them. The point is I’m learning, my husband’s learning, my child is learning, every family and individual is learning and getting angry and exhausted from time to time just reminds us that we don’t have to carry everything on our shoulders, that we can find rest in the one who loves us most of all.

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Anger is a new emotion for me. It is a tough one. Of course, I experienced anger many times in my life, but never quite like this. My fathers and mothers anger horrified me enough to fear letting myself be angry or even a little mad. I have always felt so deeply in love, joy, peace, fear and sadness but never as a child did I ever know anger as deep as the one that rages inside my bones. This anger is a part of post traumatic stress disorder and now a significant part of my life that I am trying to find the courage to overcome.

            I know. I know—

Be

Swift to hear,

Slow to speak,

Slow to anger.

True, the wrath of man lacks the righteousness of God; Humans have no place to repay vengeance, but we have been made to feel this way and expressing it in positive ways is healing. The anger lasts only minutes but is as painful as emotion comes.

“God, make it stop.”

My own mind scares me more than anything, but the strength of my body—remaining harmless amongst the war in my head—gives me hope and reminds of God’s forgiveness. Often, we all have wars going on inside our heads, whether it is about school, work, family, friends, the world our minds and thoughts or even battling towards our dreams.  In times of hardship and negative emotions let faith be your understanding, be thankful and pray instead of giving into anxiety. This is the way I cope. To have peace is to be without trouble or fear.

My whole life my emotions were never taken seriously. In the presence of my abusers and like-minded family who were eager to torment and judge for entertainment, I recall being laughed at when I was brought to anger by one of them. The adult men chuckled and the women cackled, my cousins backed away with disgust and their mouths cascaded with jokes as if, with my outburst of genuine anger, I were breathing folly upon them.

“You look so stupid when your get mad!”

“I can’t take you seriously when you’re angry!”

“You never stay mad because it’s so funny when you try.”

It immediately turns to shame and embarrassment, I remember them always laughing, I remember the way my stomach dropped and how I became hot; I could not help but bursting into laughter along with them. My anger was amusing and by laughing I admitted defeat and submission each time. My own family treating me this way is why I have problems believing myself. My confusion turns into self-blame.

Accepting that it is okay to be angry when you have been hurt, and to trust yourself again when you have doubted every move you make is not easy, but you cannot hold it in and pretend anger does not exist. If you believe that happiness exists you must believe that anger also exists. Let yourself be angry, and then let it go.

-RM-

Cajpture

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